I am a fraud “my time at TMC14”

TMC14 is real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok as I am on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown, an identity crisis, and a feeling of complete inferiority. I ask why. DID tmc do this to me, Kinda…. I came here expecting great things and I am bombarded with so many things beyond great. I then reflect back to Wheeling, West Virginia and reflect to my practices. I thought I was pretty good, on the leading edge of technology, implementing project based where I could and idolized by students. I felt as if I were a good teacher. Then I show up in Jenks. To be surrounded by this many people that are this far above me in every area of teaching, learning, growing, intellect, honesty, humor, and kindness, hit me like a stake through my heart. I truly feel as I am nothing compared to those I met here. And going from feeling like top dog to nothing is crushing to everything that I held dear to me. So if I am not a great teacher…… WHO AM I
I got the honor Thursday night to sit with amazing people sharing their fears, hopes, and personal secrets of their life in teaching. They were so honest, so completely naked, and I, wanting to join in “fit in” offered some of my fears but then as I awoke today I feel dirty. My heart is heavy, because I lied. Well I didn’t completely lie I just shared certain fears and strengths that manipulated people to see me the way I wanted them to see me. We were all skinny dipping but I had a flesh colored bathing suit on “with painted on abs”. So, to those who were sitting and being honest Thursday night, thank you, and I am sorry. Even as I write this blog it is really hard not to write things to manipulate others into liking me. So if I can’t be honest to you…….. WHO CAN I BE HONEST WITH?
And as I enter my 9th year of teaching, I could be entering my last year. There is a high possibility that I could be going into sales and this conference confirms my movement into that field, because I feel so inadequate….. so beyond inadequate. I feel defeated. My crisis is……. Teaching is not what I do….. It’s who I am….. but if I can’t teach…………..WHO AM I????

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